Hello, hello, hello – long time no see Cigarette Sounds readers.
It has been so long since I have physically sat down in front of my laptop (lay down in bed, with my laptop balancing on my thighs with my glasses askew) and typed some words. What a weird feeling – a girl who wants to be a writer who’s fingers have not done the keyboard tango in some time – 2018 is really allowing me to develop my career… NOT.
I thought for my first post back I would do some housekeeping. By this, I mean just let my brain ooze out onto Pages and let it do the talking. Nothing too ground-breaking, nothing too mind-blowing; just something simple to remind you I am still here (I know some of you will be utterly overjoyed), ease us back into the swing of things, right? RIGHT.
Did it even happen? Did I really spend a month at home petting my dog and stuffing my face with numerous boxes of Heroes? The recent festive period for myself was spectacular. I had such fun with my main homegirls, my mum and even my brother. I was obsessed with Lego Harry Potter on the PS3 – so much that my boyfriend has bought it for me to play on his PS4 at his student house in Manchester – and managed to do no university work.
It was so sweet being home, and not feeling guilty about anything or having any responsibilities to rush back to in Manchester. There is only going to be another couple of years at very best that I can spend an extended period of time with my nearest and dearest in Northumberland before I enter the ~ real ~ adult world of paying council tax, and worrying whether I have enough money to buy tuna – so, I thought I would make the most of it.
The job situation
Speaking of no responsibilities to scurry back to Manchester for, I obviously did not work in hospitality over the Christmas period. My first Boxing Day/NYE/NYD off since I was 14. MAN did it feel good! As you read, I am back in the city and avidly scouring the internet for something different. Obviously, as a student, I cannot work a full-time job, and at this moment in time, an income alongside my student loan is simply so I can afford the luxury of buying an extra Topshop piece per month or just another night of good food and wine.
Because I am not desperate for employment (watch me eat my words tomorrow when I order £100+ worth of course books from Amazon) I want to be picky. I’ve had roles in silver service, casual dining, have experience in cocktail making, room service and housekeeping (is this my CV?) For my next job, I am not going to do what I always tend to – jump in at the word ‘job offer’ – but I am going to be picky. I choose the job, the job does not choose me this time.
I am happy. Ultimately and wholly happy. I do not tend to publicise my relationship on Instagram or Facebook or Twitter or the blog as much as I used to, simply because I have learnt what the word ‘privacy’ means. Last year, I and my boyfriend overcome some real challenges in our relationship. We have opened up to each other and are now in fully informed of everything that happened in 2017. The truth can set you free and it sure has us. I am beyond ecstatic that this brilliant boy and I are in a fantastic place, with all truths laid bare on the table and, I cannot wait to see what 2018 has in store for us!
To put it plainly: I feel very different. I feel almost as if I am rebranding myself accidentally. I do not know what is going on but I can literally feel myself shaking out things that just don’t slot into my life anymore. Tetris is all about fitting pieces together, and if they do not mould into the desired shape one way, you can channel some energy into creating what you want by thinking outside of the box and dreaming ahead. Sounds cheesy – but I am going through ch-ch-changes.
With everything changing rapidly around me at whirlwind speed, the thing I am struggling with the most at this moment in time is leaving the flat. Hear me out on this one before you roll your eyes and think “why can she not leave her flat?” I live in Castlefield, an area on Manchester – one of the greatest, thriving cities in the UK where there is something different to be tasted, tried and tested every single day of the week. Yet, day after day, I find excuses not to leave my little bubble.
I think the equation goes a lil’ like this – no job + uni work + blogging + online food deliveries – no financial stability – hot chocolates on tap = no need to leave the house.
It is not as if I have a phobia of leaving my flat, I am just a bit anxious. Who will I run into at Sainsbury’s? What happens if my card gets declined at Pret A Manger? I do not need to go into town for any reason other than to spend money at the moment and, frankly, I am just not up for spending it. At this moment in time, I do not need to the university library because I can read ‘Dracula’ under my duvet, and make notes on its gothic tropes in my pj’s with a bottle of Corona if I so want.
To combat this drought of fresh air, I am launching an intervention.
- I must join the gym and/or go swimming – AND go once a week to begin
- Sit out on the balcony (if not lashing it down with rain) and have a coffee
- Sainsbury’s Oat Milk run when you guzzle the last of it – do not just bow down to the outside world and decide I am a fierce bitch who takes her coffee blacker than hell. I’LL STOP DRINKING BLACK WHEN THEY MAKE A DARKER COLOUR yadah, yadah, yada – shut up Ella.
So, please be kind and welcome me back to the internet with open arms. I’m finally going to post that fashion post I have been teasing (I know you are all on the edge of your seats, drooling like a dog wanting a bone) and get my mojo back.
Hello 2018, it is my time to shine,