Notes From My iPhone | August – October 2019

Thursday 1 August 2019

23:27

Every fibre of my being is screaming for more. But how much is too much? Is it too good to be true? Will it be enough to satisfy the craving?

Tuesday 6 August 2019

19:45

However long we have together is long enough for me.

Wednesday 14 August 2019

12:44

That lip bite. The familiar grip of sheer, passionate desperation. The idea that being together for the next thirty minutes is all that really matters.

Yes, that is it. Yes, yes, yes.

Tuesday 20 August 2019

12:18

Wednesday 21 August 2019

23:14

Perhaps I am too afraid to open up and allow them to see what I am really like. Perhaps there is a part of me not yet ready to uncoil and unwrap itself around like the rest of me already successfully has. What if it potentially will always be like this?

Thursday 22 August 2019

12:51

“Shall I get something veggie so you can eat some too?”

Saturday 24 August 2019

03:45

Nipped in the bud; sorted from the offset. Please, I cannot lose it now. My thoughts have manifested and spiralled into something far larger than necessary.

Sunday 25 August 2019

08:33

Okay, I have waited all damn day to talk. I have been having such a bloody awful time. Now? I am unable to even sleep through the night because I have not been able to sort out this idiotic move.

Friday 13 September 2019

10:48

I have always been the moaning witch. The one who claimed it was friends before the boy or girl you were fucking. Forever berating those who allowed me to drown in gin alone while they snogged over tapas and tea. I genuinely did not realise I was, in fact, just the green-eyed monster.

Saturday 14 September 2019

21:55

“I’ll be looking for you, every moment, every single moment. And when we do find each other again, we’ll cling together so tight that nothing and no one’ll ever tear us apart. Every atom of me and every atom of you…

We’ll live in birds and flowers and dragonflies and pine trees and in clouds and in those little specks of light you see floating in sunbeams…

And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me, and we’ll be joined so tight…” – The Amber Spyglass, Philip Pullman

Sunday 15 September 2019

21:46

I hurt tremendously. Constantly battling the bloodcurdling screams yelling “I will never be good enough”. They rattle through my brain. The cursing “I cannot be enough” whispers and courses simultaneously through my heart.

I want to be enough.

My body will not let me believe myself to be anything other than disappointing. I feel lost this evening. I am extremely sad. I want to be good enough. I want to be enough.

21:51

I wish I could shut my brain off.

Go to sleep.

Not have to wake up again.

Sunday 29 September 2019

22:57

Am I avoiding having fun so that I cannot get wrong?

Thursday 17 October 2019

13:56

Friday 18 October 2019

16:13

Roast @ Gorilla, 7pm Sunday.

You should probably put that in your calendar but you are a narcissistic bitch who likes to pour over her notes 50 times a day so you should remember.

Saturday 19 October 2019

20:09

Bar Order:

SAN Nigel | House | Cider | Wine List

Monday 28 October 2019

00:21

Extract:

“I’m just a bit overwhelmed at the minute which is why I keep flipping out… you always say I need to open up more; so here is me doing that.”

Tuesday 29 October 2019

23:33

I genuinely feel stranded. I’ve lost all of my friends and I am so, so lonely. So, so lonely! My whole world can fit inside a tiny ball and there is only really a couple of people’s air who I am bothered about sharing. I do not know what I am going to do.

Wednesday 30 October 2019

13:19

Thursday 31 October 2019

19:53

My God, I love him.

Friday 31 October 2019

14:02

Good words from The Book Of Dust Volume II | The Secret Commonwealth