I often claim as a defence mechanism against unwanted ridicule, humour and flashy flirtation that I “shall write this down in my diary”. It is my favourite line. It always gets a laugh.
This diary I speak of however is of course metaphorical. To tell the truth, I have not physically kept a comprehensive handwritten diary since I was roughly 15. Even then, it was never used to jot down my daily tasks and accomplishments; it was always usually endless lamenting rants and complaints of dislike and dissatisfaction. Things have not changed, surprisingly.
Now, instead of writing in notebooks, I attempt to tame and articulate my thoughts and feelings largely via three mediums. Word documents; this blog; the notes App on my phone.
The former is great for long-form pieces and pouring my heart out on the page. However, my laptop is scoured and used so regularly by those who turn my flat into a hotel that it is impossible to keep their eyes at bay from my words. This blog is great for the stuff I want people to see but I am always at risk of oversharing. Notes, however, is perhaps my most intimate and favourite way of honing in on my ideologies, directing my hopes and vomiting out thoughts quickly and efficiently.
Below, I have detailed a variety of notes I have made over the course of 2019 thus far. Most are short and sweet. The majority have been written whilst miserable, intoxicated or both. I have kept them in the form they were written in also.
Monday 21 January
Thank you for the coffee.
no worries. Bye.
He looked back.
Thursday 24 January
go, go, go
Wednesday 30 January
Came into work for a coffee with a girl. A flat white and a coconut latte. I made the coffee. Ignored them at the bar. Didn’t speak again. She ordered food. I ran away. Very classic me. Left. Nice one, Ella. How can you be the loudest person in the room yet the shyest in the world?
Tuesday 5 February
Coping with grief is getting obliterated on Jack Daniels and Diet Coke on a Monday evening and going home with a different guy to who you planned on.
Sunday 10 February
I’m going to have to stop sleeping with other girls.
I promise I actually really like her.
I won’t upset her.
Tuesday 19 February
I don’t even want to go on the stupid fucking date. Fuck off.
Sunday 3 March 2019
I knew this was a bad idea.
Thursday and Friday and Saturday.
Am I being stupid? Message.
Is that wrong? Let’s find out.
Wednesday 20 March 2019
I need someone that wants to take me for a pizza and a pint at 5pm.
Converse with me over a table, not across a pillow with a heavy sigh.
Not some bird you can call with the premise of having somewhere to brush your teeth the next morning.
Saturday 23 March 2019
3 Oranges | 4 passionfruit | 4 cartons of fresh orange | 1 skimmed milk | 1 soya milk |
1 red onion | 1 butternut squash | puffed pasty | red wine | green beans | potatoes
Monday 1 April 2019
A beacon of bright green light in a night so red with anger, confusion and uncertainty. A forbidden union I am craving the taste of.
Thursday 4 April 2019
Thought and taste and touch and too much to remember yet not near enough to forget.
I can’t shut down the whirring, the cogs spinning around and around and around and around.
The breath on my face; the spiralling touch; it’s taking over my brain.
How can such a fleeting moment leave me unable to close my eyes without a vision dancing or a tap in the ribs?
I can still hear that heartbeat coursing through my ears.
Does this really have to last forever?
Saturday 20 April 2019
Not cool, not nice. Not the kind of thing I get mixed up in. all way too much for me X
I want to be sick. Get me home to bathe in self-pity and sadness.
I do not want to read the recoil.
Wednesday 24 April 2019
FOOD FOR THE DAY
2 glasses oat milk
Cereal with almond milk
3 slices of toast
Thursday 25 April 2019
Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my heart sing? Why don’t I feel like everyone else?
Text mom. She says I’m just ok. Maybe there isn’t anything wrong with me other than being an emotionless cow.
Tuesday 29 April 2019
How many times must I orbit the same idea before I fall flat on my face and admit defeat? When shall I hold up a white flag and submit to the fact that perhaps I do not always get everything I want? I am drained. Exhausted from believing and sick of empty quotes.
Please put me out of my misery and leave me alone.
Sunday 5 May 2019
Haway, Ell. Is this idea really all it’s cracked up to be or are you just residing in dreamland?
Tuesday 14 May 2019
Everything is about you and what you would say and what you would do. I think about you all the time.
Thursday 16 May 2019
It caught me unaware; it knocked the breath from my lungs; it scratched at my eyeballs; it hurt. Five minutes; just five minutes more would satisfy the craving. I would walk through the grave and I would dash out my brains with pleasure for just five more minutes.
Friday 17 May 2019
- The National Quiet Light
- Elvis Presley Can’t Help Falling In Love
- Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper Shallow
- Carly Simon, You’re So Vain
- Moses Sumney I Just Wanna Make Out In My Car
- Lily James Adante, Adante
- ABBA Angel Eyes
- Rod Stewart Da Ya Think I’m Sexy