Usually, situations and fleeting moments of pain you experience while in your younger years can physically and emotionally scar you. I know enough about our lad, Sigmund Freud, to understand that childhood trauma manifests in your unconscious and that there can be a big metaphorical iceberg of pain floating around in your brain. But, as I am finding out and accepting, adult trauma is no different.
While I am by no means ready to let the internet in on the nitty-gritty details of my adult trauma, I can tell you that the cause of it is male-orientated. Coincidentally, I am also attributing it to being the main reason I am physically unable to create/maintain healthy, platonic relationships with almost all males.
From a young age, I have always found myself seeking out validation in boys. Whether it was simply to be involved in the term ‘one of the lads’; to be the girl who was fancied past her weight in school; to be loved and accepted by a father figure, or simply for someone to want to stick their tongue down my throat on a night out. I did, and still, do, crave validation and acceptance from boys.
I am a flirt to my core. I can almost charm my way around anyone. I have no desire to feel anything other than wanted. It is selfish that my only goal is to be physically found attractive, to be attributed as being mentally stimulating or to be loved in a professional capacity. It is very I, I, I.
While I have sub-consciously been aware of the fact I am the way that I am for some time, I am only realising recently that perhaps this is not healthy. In fact, it is something that could lead to a breakdown of potentially everything. The way I view boys, the way I need every single one of them I encounter to accept me (either platonically or romantically) is not okay.
I get hysterical if I see somebody having what I used to have. I go into overdrive. My brain melts and hot tears endlessly stream from my eyes. That look of love; that bond so physically viewable; it breaks my heart that I have been shunned from that world. I am the real green-eyed monster when it comes to watching love and adoration and acceptance. I cannot bear it. I am so sick.
The only positive thing I can gain from this enlightenment, this crisis of consciousness, is that I understand myself. I know the reason behind my obsession with males and why I crave their validation, and I know where my springboard is. I know that there is a boundary and I know that my mind sends alarm bells when I am in too deep.
Now I have figured it out, now that I have found the root to my problems, it is time I act on them. I am going to dive from the pedestal and put my issues to bed. I need to stop searching for love and acceptance. I need to understand that this craving for validation is not what it is all about.
“There is more to life than boys liking you” – the mantra I need to carve into my heart. Things will get better. This trauma will stop floating, soon. I am determined.