a shift in commitments

Oh, why hello there!  Welcome back to the little bubbling hub of sunshine I like to call my corner of the internet – Cigarette Sounds. 

Come in, come in, do not be shy and honestly, do not worry about taking your shoes off, those metaphorical carpets are self-cleaning don’t-you-know!  Fantastic, you brought prosecco AND bourbon biscuits?  God, it is like I am the author of this story.   Now that we are both simultaneously armed with a drink in the left hand and biccies in the right, get comfortable, because I am about to let you know what the hell has been going on for the last month.

*cue Jason from Queer Eye voice* Can you believe it has been just a little more than a month since I published something on here?

Scribbling words down on the internet, and sharing my thoughts, happiest moments and life moans, is one of my favourite hobbies – so much so that I want to craft and hone a serious career out of it in the next ten-to-forever years.  Therefore, does it not strike you as ridiculously odd that I opted to take a month out of my most desirable pass time? A whole god-damn month since I lay down in my bed and fashioned any kind of content regarding what I was thinking, wearing, pondering or what I was riled up about.

“Why” I hear you mumble as you struggle to fit your fourth bourbon down your gob (or is that just me?) – my priorities switched, and writing was just not one of them.  Now, hear me out. 

My priorities are in constant fluctuation due to my sporadic mindset of “right, bored of that, let us try THIS style of living for a while”. Sometimes, social media will take over my life and I find my online presence being tested against the real-life I.  Other times, I prioritise going for brunch, sipping on iced coffee’s and reading novels over studying towards my degree.  In my kooky day-dream world where eating avocado on toast is sometimes more important than revising for an English exam, I am constantly knocked off balance and am always struggling to find a mindset that includes ALL of my commitments – not just one or two.

In fewer words, I am shit sometimes and like to prioritise objectives and commitments differently every damn day.  It is however, becoming exhausting.

This, therefore, is the reason I have not wrote a single love letter to you guys for the past month.  Other things in my life have taken over and have left me a) no time to write b) no desire to write.

I was lucky enough to retreat to my boyfriends’ house in Durham over the Easter bank holiday weekend, and I then went on to spend a couple weeks playing with my dog in the Northumberland countryside. In between this important time away from my adopted city of Manchester, I have read more books than I probably have read in the last year combined and I  have ludicrously enjoyed being a lazy bitch who has found a long-lost adoration for Chinese takeaways. I am a walking-talking-fat-hot-greasy-mess, and I have loved every minute of saying “fuck you” to my usual responsibilities.  That includes writing this blog.

My shift of commitments and what is ‘important’ changed dramatically over the past month, therefore, was subsequently seen to be taking a backseat against relaxing, university reading, downtime with my girlfriends and paddling in rivers.  But that is okay, is it not?

My priorities, my headspace and my mood rapidly change at an alarming rate almost daily, and I am beginning to understand how this buzzing mind of mine ticks.  Those dusty self-help books are coming off the shelf, and a self-diagnosis is on the cards (you all know what that means).  I feel riddled with guilt for my absence but, why should I – this slice of relief is mine and I now understand that sometimes you need to go T-total to get yourself back on track.  Kinda like after you have accidentally had a couple glasses too-many at your S.O’s parents house and are sick on their dog…. You gotta give it up before you get better. 

On that note, I think I am back.  Please roll out the red carpet and fan me with glitter in due course. And, yes, that is a Demi Lovato track.  Enjoy your guilty pleasure.

Love, Ella X 

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